Three personal truths that came to me this week in three different ways:
- Not saying something is still saying something.
- Elevate, elevate, elevate. And when elevation is not possible, despite your best efforts, distance.
- To know my music is to know the essential me.
This past week, I played my two biggest gigs to-date, had one of my mixes on a podcast for one of the best clubs in Brooklyn, and spent quality time with a couple of people who are relatively new in my life but who have become two of my biggest influences and best friends.
I’ll start by saying that the gigs both went better than I’d expected. Each one was a major highlight of my experience as a DJ so far and, together, were the proof I’ve been looking for that I can (and probably should) actually do this.
Coming down from the high of my gig on Friday night, I landed in a conversation with an insightful new friend who helped me deduce what music really means to me – that, my musical selection is the most articulate expression of my true self and that to understand it is to know the essential Me. Wise kid, that one.
I left that night reflecting on the feeling of playing for that crowd earlier, wearing a wildly teased purple wig and heavy fake lashes, and realized that my anxiety over performing had clouded another essential truth from my sight: That my best efforts to support others in their biggest dreams and goals have been mostly successful, but sometimes not; and my non-successes have led me to believe that I had actually failed in providing support rather than see that whatever support I was offering had been rejected. People I had perceived as open and receptive were actually not, or not entirely. My attempts to elevate certain others had been met with resistance, but, in absence of an open dialogue, I had been led to believe that this was my fault. To be fair, absence of open dialogue means never receiving perfect clarity. However – and as one of my new guides helped me understand: An inaction is still an action and Not saying something is still saying something.
My training from a few years back in Organizational Development had always said this — That in order to change a human system, you will have the best luck by doing both: 1) increasing the desire to change, and 2) decreasing the resistance to change. When neither one is possible, the solution is to simply give up. By the way, this doesn’t mean forever, but it does mean for at least awhile. Although this was a lesson I learned long before pursuing my MS (in a field I never entered), I had failed to notice the form of resistance that has been staring me in the face. And perhaps, due to my new found passion, it’s a form of resistance I never had to face before.
There is very little joy that comes with discovering that the people you’ve wanted to call yours – your family, your friends, your community, your PEOPLE – just are not really there. What is there is strength in knowing the truth.
When I had mentioned to one of my new friends that my social life has become garbage, he shocked me with his brief response: “Good.” He later explained that by following my passion, I would probably shed a lot of things, including people, and that new ones will crop up over time – that following my heart and gut is the only way forward, even if it really sucks sometimes.
I’m finding that it does suck. It’s lonely and very few people around me either understand the feelings or are supportive enough to share their empathy. I am also happier and more confident than I’ve ever been and I am not giving that up anytime soon.
Thanks to those who have stuck around. ❤